Exploring Your Boundaries: A Reflective Lens

In the previous post, we discussed how boundaries often show up indirectly in Coaching, and how feelings of being stretched, resentful, or constantly “on” can be understood as signals – an invitation to notice that something, possibly our boundaries, may need attention.

In this piece, we’ll delve a little deeper and offer a simple reflective lens for exploring some of the layers that may be shaping how we respond to situations, and the limits (or lack of limits) we are currently operating with.

When we start to consider our boundaries and whether they need any adjustment, it can be helpful to slow things down and zoom out a little, rather than jumping straight to “what should I do differently?”.

Noticing what our day-to-day reality looks like.

Noticing how we tend to respond.

Noticing where things feel steady, and where they feel strained.

From a Coaching perspective, boundaries rarely sit in just one place. They are usually shaped by a combination of what is happening around us, how we make sense of it, the choices we feel able to make, and what matters to us underneath.

The visual below offers a simple reflective lens for exploring some of these layers and how they interact.

You don’t need to work through it in a particular order. You might start wherever feels most relevant right now.

Sometimes, to better understand our boundaries, it can be helpful to start with what we’re experiencing and gently work backwards through the layers that sit underneath.

Context / Environment - What is happening around me?

This layer acknowledges the wider conditions within which everything else sits. It includes things such as workload, organisational culture, family circumstances, health, life stage, and unexpected events.

Sometimes boundaries are under pressure, not because we are getting things wrong, but because the context we are operating in is genuinely demanding.

Behaviour – What I notice myself doing

This layer invites us to notice how we respond in everyday life and within our relationships. It focuses on patterns of behaviour – what we tend to do, and what we tend not to do.

We might notice patterns in what we say yes to, what we avoid, where we over-extend, or where we hold back. Often, this is the first place we become aware that something feels off, even if we are not yet sure why.

Boundaries – The limits (or lack of limits) I’m operating with

Here we begin to notice what limits seem to be in place, whether spoken or unspoken.

This might include where we feel able to say no, where we assume we cannot, and what we quietly take responsibility for.

Sometimes it becomes clear that there are very few limits at all, or that limits exist mainly in our own expectations rather than being explicitly agreed.

Choices – What I feel able to choose

This layer explores our sense of agency.

We may notice areas where choice feels available and areas where it feels restricted or invisible.

Boundaries often become strained when we lose sight of choice, even if options technically exist.

Thinking & Meaning – How I interpret what is happening

This layer invites gentle curiosity about the stories we tell ourselves and the meaning we attach to situations.

We might notice assumptions about our role, ideas about what a “good” or “responsible” person does, or rules we live by without questioning.

These interpretations quietly shape what we feel able to choose.

Values – What matters to me

At the centre are the things that matter most to us – what we care about, what we want to stand for, and the kind of person we want to be.

Reconnecting with values can help ground boundaries in something chosen and meaningful, rather than driven only by guilt, fear, or habit.

An example: working back from experience

Here’s a simple illustration of what it can look like to work back through the layers.

Context / Environment

I work in a culture where workloads are high, resources are scarce, and going the extra mile is expected.

Behaviour

I accept additional requests at work when I already feel stretched, even if this means working late and not being paid for the extra hours.

Boundaries

I am operating as if I am always available, and there are no clear limits on my time.

Choices

I don’t feel I have a choice; saying no does not really feel like an option.

Thinking & Meaning

If I say no, others will see me as difficult or uncommitted, and that could undermine my career prospects.

Values

I want to be seen as reliable and as someone who does good work.

Seeing the pattern in this way can create space to ask whether this way of operating still fits, and whether a different boundary might better support what matters to me.

What next?

You might choose one area of your life where you would like more balance.

Pay attention to where your boundaries feel healthy, and where they feel stretched, blurred, or absent.

You may also notice whether any of the layers offer useful information about what might need attention or adjustment.

Small awareness often comes before small change, and small change is usually where sustainable boundaries begin.

Acknowledgement

This piece draws on a blend of personal practice, coaching experience, and established ideas from psychology and behaviour change (including values-based approaches, cognitive-behavioural models, and boundary theory). It was developed through reflective writing and collaborative exploration using AI as a thinking partner.

Indicative sources

Clark, S. C. (2000).Work/family border theory: A new theory of work/family balance. Human Relations, 53(6), 747–770.

Ashforth, B. E., Kreiner, G. E., & Fugate, M. (2000).All in a day’s work: Boundaries and micro role transitions. Academy of Management Review, 25(3), 472–491.

Hayes, S. C., Strosahl, K. D., & Wilson, K. G. (2012).Acceptance and Commitment Therapy: The Process and Practice of Mindful Change (2nd ed.). Guilford Press.

Beck, J. S. (2011).Cognitive Behavior Therapy: Basics and Beyond (2nd ed.). Guilford Press.

Cox, E., Bachkirova, T., & Clutterbuck, D. (2018).The Complete Handbook of Coaching (3rd ed.). Sage.